Hi everyone! As the “guest facilitator” for today’s discussion, I’m kicking off a series of surprise guests that the Nurture Commission will feature each Saturday during Lent. Come back every Saturday to find out who the next guest will be!
It might seem funny that I am the first guest, as I have no formal training in Biblical or spiritual subjects or knowledge, and yet I felt called by this particular devotional entry. It spoke to me on a deeply personal level, but it also meant a lot to me as a person with a unique position in the church. For those who may not have met me, I grew up in the Elizabethtown Church of the Brethren. Over the years, I moved away and came back several times, always feeling drawn to the community and its history. These days, as Chair of the Nurture Commission, I find myself reflecting on my role in the church as a Board member.
In Walt Wiltschek’s own words from today’s devotional, “if you want to keep things hidden, it’s best to keep the blinds closed.” I’ve been thinking a lot about these words in the context of my own secrets that I try so strongly to hide. I’ll share one with you now. When I receive a text from a friend lately, asking how I’m doing, I immediately put on a smiling face. “I’m good, you?” The truth that I’ve been hiding is that I’m not good. In fact, I’ve been suffering. For two years, as a parent with a small child, I’ve been in a state of constant paralysis. Nervousness about Covid exposure has turned into nervousness about everything: who I am as a woman and a mother, who I am as a member of this wonderful church community, who I am as a Christian, and who I am as a human being. That might sound a little dramatic, but it’s the truth.
Wiltschek refers to followers of Christ who welcome the light, while reminding us that there are those who hide in darkness. But in my mind, it’s not so black and white that there are people choosing either road. We all have secrets and things we wish to keep in the darkness, as the pastors have so artfully expressed over the last few Sundays. Perhaps the reality is that the hiding of secrets is itself the sin. When we speak truth to power, we invite the light.
Olivia, you have really facilitated this discussion by opening up about your own concerns. No need for "formal" training! You have LIFE training and have a way of bringing others into the discussion. I venture a guess that all of us have had down times during the pandemic. At first I was depressed because I could no long control things or be an organizer or leader of anything; everything seemed to stop. Then I learned to actually like free time to read and think and get rid of stuff. That lasted well over a year. At the end of 2021 I began to feel like I wanted to reenter the world, but slowly and carefully because I was still so scared of getting sick. I still haven't attended church in person except for the time we had a council meeting. I'm up to being with small groups, so there's progress. We need light in our life and in the world, and so much of that light comes when we gather together.
Thank you, Olivia for your post. I too appreciate your honesty. This winter has been difficult for me as well, the pandemic just adding more to the problem. We had an upset with family members, so painful that I wanted to cry almost everyday for two months. The situation has improved, but still requires attention and hard work. I have found the theme of the devotional relating to "light" very comforting and inspiring. It has given my faith a boost. I look forward to seeing all of you in church as the virus gives us some reprieve, we all need those hugs!
Olivia: I expect you can hear a chorus of "Amens!" from those reading your reflection, although our reasons are likely very different than yours. For me, it's the realization that while the pandemic appears to be ending--at least until the next variant comes--for many people, for medical reasons that's not the case for us. As we watch people try to resume life as normal, we hunker down even more in an effort to remain safe and healthy.
I know how much I have to be grateful for--Whole Foods delivers; I can watch plays, movies, classes, music, and much else streamed online; we're involved with a wonderful church that has great live-streamed services; we live at Masonic Village and are well cared for. The list goes on and on.
And yet....there are these unspoken but real feelings of sadness, anger, envy, worry and others than are hard to shake, hard to talk about when we remember how good we have things. And so many of the negative feelings are about the future, over which we have absolutely no control, no matter how hard we worry.
As the pastors have said, sharing our burdens, the weights we each carry, helps to lighten the load for all of us. Thanks for sharing your secret and making it safe for me and others to do the same. I wish for all of us the grace to recognize God's love and light and the ability to live fully in this moment and let the future care for itself.
Thank you for being so open, Olivia. You touch my heart!
I think we have all been guilty at some time of putting on that smiling face when someone greets us with the "How are you doing?" question. I know I have. In my efforts to be honest, though, sometimes I answer with how I'm really doing, only to realize I've missed the social cues and crossed the other person's line of comfort. Our social constructs can promote the shadows over the sunbeams, which is all the more reason to appreciate your vulnerability in sharing.
"Pandemic Paralysis"--that's an accurate descriptor for what's gripping many. As we look to re-integrating socially, it's natural to be hesitant after two years of hearing that socializing could result in death. Parenting a toddler at this time must heighten that anxiety. Your openness about feeling so nervous makes me want to reach out and give you a great big comfort hug, but that would probably make you feel more nervous!
Your final line brings me comfort as we look to navigating forward in the light.