My mind is going in many different directions in response to this entry.
I look at situations in our world, our nation, our community, and I wonder, “What more could I have done?” More appropriately, perhaps, I ask, “What more can I do to make a positive difference as we move forward?”
Then, I look inward at my own attitudes, and I wonder, “Why am I not more fruitful?” I try to make wise choices, but I know that there are some “sour grapes” I am carrying around in my heart.
I can’t tell which metaphorical connection is stronger for me–am I the grape farmer or the grapes? Sometimes I think I’m like Wiltschek’s bargain bin asparagus that “is slowly achieving consciousness.”
"What more could I have done?" gets to "What could I have done differently?" for me. Life is a series of complicated decision trees, not just in our interaction with other people but also in terms of our choices. There are many interpersonal situations in which I wish I had done or said something differently. Those may have been hurtful or less caring than they should've been. But there are other choices I made that affected the path of my life. While I feel now that I made the wrong choice, I cannot regret the decision because it ultimately led me to where I am. I feel I did the best I could at the time, so I forgive myself.